RANKED: Pixar Films, From Least To Most Likely To Be Monitored By The NSA

Everyone knows about the rumored subliminal sexual messages littered in animated Disney films, but what about its affluent CGI cousin? Pixar has somehow evaded scrutiny despite the fact that it still earnestly wears a Che Guevara shirt and rhythmically taps a bongo on the sidewalk of your financial district. Are these films radical? Absolutely. Are they revolutionary? That, I contend, is their red-eyed goal.

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5. Toy Story – Though it initially seems to survey a paranoid alternate reality born two grams and four slices of pizza into a hotbox, the fact that our hero is named Woody and feels threatened by another man’s presence could suggest a slightly more Freudian meditation.

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4. Finding Nemo – portrays the unsettling notion that we currently inhabit a dentist’s office, and the plush furniture purchased for our studio apartment is but a plastic, lifeless lighthouse. The film, however, becomes decidedly less menacing once you realize Nemo’s capture takes place in Australia, an island so innocuous we let it play ‘continent.’

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3. Monsters, Inc. Aside from being an animated version of The Matrix, the film features two misunderstood breeds of citizen (monsters; children) who would get along just fine if they simply saw the strength that is the common ground known as laughter. When the closing credits appear, at least 40% of viewers unconsciously hum ‘Give Peace a Chance.’

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2. WALL-E With a screenplay by Greenpeace, this film could replace the lovable eco-friendly protagonist with Alec Baldwin and the result would be not at all more agenda-laden. A dystopian tale about a world where waste triggers humanity’s downfall? At least try to veil it, Pixar! Wall-E should be atop this list, but the NSA would ultimately cease monitoring this film since there is exactly zero dialogue until hour two.

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1. The Incredibles The verbatim logline of The Incredibles: “A family of undercover superheroes, while trying to live the quiet suburban life, are forced into action to save the world.”

I rest my case.

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