Vanity Dates

First impressions can be misleading. They can also be a remarkably efficient avenue to discover someone’s lack of self-awareness. Once upon a dial-up, first impressions were made in-person, sans editing, sans rough drafts, and certainly sans online usernames. In our current social climate (i.e. the way in which you’re reading this article), social media presents an unprecedented gift of allowing participants to carefully craft a first impression – a gift that an astounding amount of people choose to ignore. There is no better example of this baffling omission of self-awareness than Dating Usernames. To offer an appetizer, here is one such very real, very voluntary username I stumbled upon: 1GREATDAD69.

Screen Shot 2017-06-27 at 10.45.00 PM

Sorry, I misspoke. There is actually one example of this self-unawareness for first impressions that pre-dates not only online dating but the entire internet age: Vanity License Plates. Holy shit. The ubiquity of vanity plates is staggering, and possessing one is, at best, a stalemate of confusion, but more likely a flag that underscores your douchebaggery. Have you ever seen a single vanity plate and thought, “I bet that driver is a tolerable human.”  Me neither. Here is a sample of a vanity plate that I, personally, stumbled upon: IMAHOT1.

Screen Shot 2017-06-27 at 10.45.15 PM

Clearly, attempting this type of linguistic judo can prove misguided, so let us ponder when, exactly, is a worse time to enact sexual wordplay: Online dating names or vanity plates?

I’d plea that those of you who subscribe to creating masochistically awful dating user names and/or participating in the self-expressionless art of vanity plates to simply stop. And not just this heinous practice, but everything. Let’s begin with voting. But the reality is that if you do subscribe to these practices, you’re not reading this article; you’re pre-occupied with chores like how to condense your sexual proclivities to seven characters of vague, disturbing coherence. To prove my theory that these two uniquely terrible schools of minds are of the same ilk, I’ve offered the readers an at-home quiz. Below is a list of very real dating user names/vanity plates. Which? Undisclosed. You guess. If you get them all right, then I will concede that these minds are not of the same ilk. Either way, they’re still terrible.

Let me know how you do.

  1. RUB1OUT
  2. RU18YET
  9. 2GRL1CUP
  11. DATEME



Vanity Plates: 1, 2, 5, 6, 7, 9, 11

OKCupid Users: 3, 4, 8, 10

Need Proof? I fully understand. See Below.

1.Screen Shot 2017-06-27 at 10.45.42 PM

2.Screen Shot 2017-06-27 at 10.46.31 PM

3.Screen Shot 2017-06-27 at 10.46.39 PM

4.Screen Shot 2017-06-27 at 10.46.48 PM

5.Screen Shot 2017-06-27 at 10.47.14 PM

6.Screen Shot 2017-06-27 at 10.48.10 PM

7.Screen Shot 2017-06-27 at 10.48.19 PM

8.Screen Shot 2017-06-27 at 10.48.29 PM

9.Screen Shot 2017-06-27 at 10.48.38 PM

10.Screen Shot 2017-06-27 at 10.48.48 PM

11.Screen Shot 2017-06-27 at 10.49.07 PM

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